riots

Politicians’ Dictionary: Riot Edition

Politics

Protester [pro·tes·tor] noun.

1. A courageous and morally righteous civilian who risks everything to demonstrate against injustice and oppression. Separate from terrorists in that they serve U.S. political interests. Likely living on #CBSBigBrother’s leftover slop; these heroes are Paul Reveres of the 21st century whose cause must be bolstered through the power of Anderson Cooper. Protesters’ actions cause justice, liberation, and power in the hands of whichever political party America supports at the time. Any and all police action against protesters is epidemic, brutal, and unnecessary. If video proves otherwise; the action was still epidemic, brutal, and unnecessary. Protester deaths in police custody are crimes against humanity and only occur after hours of torture and sodomy. Government leaders whose nations fill with protesters are intentionally evil and likely descendants of Judas.

Thug [thugh] noun.

1. A vicious and morally-void youth who mindlessly vandalizes and loots Western cities for no good reason. Separate from terrorists in that they aren’t of Middle-Eastern heritage. Likely tripping on hallucinogens, the “Twitter”, and the intoxicating effects of unemployment; these hoodlums are the scum of society and  must be ridiculed and stopped at all costs– unless Parliament is on vacation. Thugs’ actions cause reeling, tragedy, and societal decay. Any and all police action against thugs is necessary, fair, and in the public interest. If video proves otherwise; the action was a solitary incident perpetrated by an officer (or 30) gone rogue.  Thug deaths in police custody are the tragic and unavoidable result of long-lived heart conditions. Government leaders whose nations fill with thugs are bewildered and form government-run inquiries to look into the matter.